Experiments in Chaos—Failures from April 9, 2015

Lately, financial concerns have had me thinking about ways to make money. Here are some of the career options I've come up with thus far:

Professional Cat Sitter. Sadly, there's not a lot of call for cat sitting. Also, they tend to bite when you sit on them. And this leads to awkward questions at the doctor's office, and potential charges of animal abuse. So I'm not seeing a lot of profit potential in this one.

House Sitter. Well, that's just silly. And dangerous, what with the sloped rooves we have around here. I think I'll look for something a little less hazardous.

Marijuana Tester. What with the Justice Department refusing to pursue pot-related crimes, some jobs can be expected to open up in this area. Sadly, testing is probably not one of them. An entry-level position, the main problem with this gig is that after a few tests your evaluations become suspect. It doesn't take long before you're writing rave reviews about cat litter. "The piquant acidity of this granular blend..." and like that. I probably won't be going after this option either.

Conan-type Swordfighter. Again, not a lot of call for this sort of thing. And I'm probably a bit short for this one. Not that I'm claiming discrimination, but it seems likely that a long reach is sort of essential for long-term career potential. So that's out too.

Reality Show Contestant. This one would allow me to become famous for being famous, so there's that advantage. The problem is that I'm not a "people person." It's not that I have anything against people. Well, okay, it's exactly that. I mean, you can't live with 'em and the hide's too thin to make a decent pair of mittens. But the point is, being sequestered on an island or in a house with a bunch of people just wouldn't work out well. I'll keep looking.

Supervillain. The difficulty here, as you've probably guessed, is that I'm not very super. The only "superpower" I might lay claim to is dumb jokes. On the other hand, Letterman's a millionaire. Further study may be warranted.

Self-Centered Hedonist. I can do this. Unfortunately, the position is characterized more by expense than by income. It's a skill level I can meet, but there's not a lot of potential for making a living at it.

Commune Leader. There are two problems with this idea, namely a) that communes aren't supposed to have leaders (even though they do) and 2: as I've mentioned previously, I'm not a people person. This job would be nothing but a tragic headline waiting to happen. So I guess I'll skip this one too.

Time Traveller. Sounds great. Go back in time, pick up a bunch of collectibles real cheap, jump forward, and make a killing. Only problem is, there's bound to be Time Cops, who could mess with your timeline until you were in a world where it was, say, a federal offense to have nose hair. I'd be in for life. Probly a bad idea.

Space Colonist. Seems like it would be steady employment, if you can get it. I doubt I could pass the physical, though, so I'd have to come up with my own spaceship, and build it on the sly. I not only don't know how to build one, I wouldn't know how to fly it. Heck, I don't even have a driver's license. And there's that people thing again. Hard to start a colony with just one person.

Professional Attention Whore. A lack of any real talent or skill and an insatiable craving for the spotlight are certainly within my skillset. Sadly, whenever I put that under "Position Desired" on a job application, I don't get any calls from that particular employer. I have gotten a temporary restraining order or two, but it's not the same.

Well, the search continues, and I'm confident something will turn up. The supervillain thing seems promising, at least, and pursuing the hedonist option would at least be fun. I'm not sure writing is a viable option, because I tend to have trouble coming up with decent endings.

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