Experiments in Chaos—Failures from September 6, 2015

I don't have a wife, or a girlfriend. I don't even have a houseplant. I do have a pot of dirt, but the plant died years ago. (I should probably throw that out one of these days.) But before you feel sorry for me, or disgusted with me, or whatever, it isn't that I've lacked opportunities. There've been plenty of women who showed at least mild interest, and I took advantage of that interest back when I was younger. But it's been years since I've met someone who deserved to be as miserable as I could make her, and so I live alone. (You're welcome.) The point is, I'm no authority on such things. The other point is, don't expect me to be sympathetic about your relationships, because I must have pointed out by now that I'm not a people person, and indifference is probably the best you can hope for. Which leads me to the other other (and final) point of this little failure which, believe it or not, is gay marriage.

Not long ago, the Supreme Court decided that states had to allow gay folks to marry. And I honestly believe they reflected a mandate from the People. I think that Americans, by and large, considered this important issue and, after due deliberation, rose up and proclaimed as if with one voice, "Who Cares?"

Now, don't get me wrong, I realize this is important to some people, and I don't wish to minimize your beliefs, whatever they may be. But let's face it, both sides of this argument are really quite small groups. The rest of us are thinking about unemployment, inflation, rapes, murders, assaults, and like that. We've got people blowing stuff up. We've got children killing children, for pity's sake. And you want to know if it's okay for gays to marry? Do you promise not to rape, murder, or blow stuff up? Fine, go marry someone. Hell, go marry something for all I care. Besides, if you can't learn through observation, I suppose you'll have to learn through experience. Go ahead, get married, get divorced, get married again. That sort of shared experience is bound to bring us closer together, although why either of us would want that I have no idea.

Just don't make it mandatory. As long as I don't have to play your little reindeer games, I really couldn't care less what you do. Besides, I've always felt that what a consenting adult and his or her rubber ducky do in the privacy of his or her own home is really none of my affair. I mean, it's really none of my affair, okay? Just spare me the details, thanks for your forbearance.

Again, I don't wish to minimize your beliefs, or your lifestyle, or your genetics, or whatever it is that you probably think I'm minimizing. But the fact is, I really like saying "ducky" and I don't get to work it into a sentence all that often. And bunnies. I like saying bunnies too. And I got to shoehorn both into this little failure. So I'm happy. And when all is said and done, isn't that what really counts? Probably not, but I don't care, so at least there's that.

Who knows, maybe this is the answer to all that violence and unemployment and stuff. Probably not, but you never know. Well, okay, you can make a pretty accurate guess, especially in this case. But you never know. So the next time you feel like being violent, or firing someone, or raising a price, go marry something. Maybe a ducky. Or a bunny.

More Failures
Main Page