Experiments in Chaos—Failures from August 29, 2016

I do a lot of shopping at dollar stores. They tend to have a good selection, the prices are reasonable, and there's the potential for entertainment.

For instance, there's the 40% vegetable oil spread I picked up the other day. (I'm pretty sure we used to call it margarine, back in the days before the Internet.) On the lid, it proclaimed "Real Taste from Real Ingredients." See, that's what I like about the 40% vegetable oil spread. They don't use imaginary ingredients. Those are real ingredients in there. Well, at least 40%, anyway. Besides, if you can't trust the makers of 40% vegetable oil spread to tell you what's real, is there any point in trusting at all?

And yes, I do sort of like saying "40% vegetable oil spread". Sounds sort of kinky if you're unfortunate enough to think about it.

They also sell camouflage underpants. Now, some of you may be asking, or may have asked yourselves, the very same question I'm about to pose, and the rest of you may well be anticipating said question: Under what circumstances, exactly, would one need camouflage underpants? Because I'm having trouble picturing any sort of clandestine activity where camouflage underpants would be useful. (Yeah, I like saying "camouflage underpants" too.) I am getting some half-formed images that I find amusing, but nothing specific, or entirely legal to talk about in public.

And where would these activities occur? I don't see how camouflage underpants would help you inside, unless you had a general camouflage decor. In which case, there might be some potential for getting lost. And if you were wearing the camouflage underpants, they might never find you. "No, the house isn't haunted, we had a party last week and we haven't rounded up all the guests yet."

Okay, so maybe indoors isn't such a good idea. Not sure what the use might be outdoors either, though. And that opens up the possibility of potentially tragic landscaping incidents. The phrase "I never even saw him, Officer" suddenly takes on a whole new meaning.

It's a goal of mine to become wealthy enough that I can come up with rationalizations for buying things like camouflauge underpants. Of course, I'd have to buy a lot of 'em, because they might be hard to find. Laundry could be an issue as well. You'd sort of have to assume they were clean. And you couldn't very well show them off. At least, not without getting arrested. At least, according to the officer who gave me that warning. She kept looking down and squinting. I don't know if that was the camouflage underpants or if I should feel insulted.

Not a good pickup line, either. I was in a bar and I said to a woman, "I'm wearing camouflage underpants." She just smiled and said, "Prove it." I couldn't.

So, yeah, by all means support your local dollar stores. I can use the laughs.

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